Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Between the last post until I put something in here, which is today, I went thru lots of phases. I never regretted on having these phases coz the ordeal, trauma, the pain, the joy, the thankfulness, the business and the fun are the elements that made me today. Thanks to Allah, who allows me to be alive until now and made me realize that I should have made differences in my life.. Different in the sense of the way I think or generate ideas. I am no student no more so I have to be MORE proactive- think and do differently. I enjoyed being a student and still miss every the minute of being a student. Careless and free.. Living life crazily. I miss that.
This entry gonna be long. Any of those who couldn’t be bothered, just skip and wait for the short entry. Or for those who don even give a damn, just don open my blog.. Hahha.. It just I wanted to jot down the phases I’ve been thru, so one day when I look or read back my blog, I have could recall how these phases makes me become me today.
PHASE 1
Busy-ness was the thing we had go thru. I didn’t have time to update this blog even. The hectic thing was we had to submit 2 assignments plus we had to present our Final Year Project all in one day. Mind you the 2 assignments consist of 2 damn programs each. We had to submit all of these programs in one fucking day as well had to present the FYP. How hectic was that? Since we had exam, we started late, Wani came to my house, we tried to understand what the hell the PP assignment was all about, we tried to surf info on the Internet sampai lebam and did we get any info? Sadly no.. We supposed to work in 3 but the other grupmate had to do whatever things she had to do. The next day, Wani and I got our heads into this fucking PP assg. Generally we get the idea wat assg wanted us to do. I said to Wani, “ok la wani, ko buat laa assignment AA, since dedua ni nak kene hantar the same day, pastuh kita kene fyp presentation lg..aduss” At least she helped me a bit for PP. Wani agreed, and off I went doing the damn assignment alone.. Sobs.. Started in the afternoon and ended the next morning. After that, off I went to help Wani with the AA assignment. I felt like crying for who ever irresponsible. Other pple were busy too you know and didn’t even have time to pick our noses even. After 5 am, I had finally found a coding solution for the AA assg. Thank god, Wani managed to get the first coding rite. It was 5 am and I hadn’t had a time to peek wats goin on with the FYP presentation. Off I went, writing the script for the my FYP presentation which scheduled at 3 pm. Thank god it was 3 pm, if it was 9 in the morn, I probably slip into comma. I slept around 6 am plus. At 11 am I woke up, I gathered the stuffs that needed to be submit and off I went to campus to set up the presentation and submit the assignments as well. The presentation was OK except due to misconduct of the equipments, there were understandable errors, we got thru tat. Thank god.
Nite time was happy times. Me and Karen had dinner at Friends Cafe and found new friends (Qim and Reymold). Which we found out later that Qim is just plain ass. Kerete Ayie was kindda horny, the gear got stuck in gear 1 and cannot move to any other gears. Guess, it needed a man’s hand, so Reymold’s hand soothed her. We went to Pure after that with Nurul. Met Sham n her bf n his friends. Got chanced to gedik sama abg botak yg sangat my type there.. Drool. The nite was a blast.
What saddened me was, the PP code got rejected. Aduss.. At least I did it by myself with the help of Wani, not like I copied from someone else’s work. We had to do the PP codings again with the help of Trevor. And guess what? No presentation for the PP assg since Hakim was too busy. Yehaa.
In the PHASE 1, I’ve gathered thoughts.. we have to plan our timeline perfectly. We have to grow up to and be responsible what ever task we’ve been given and do not rely on others. We have to put 150% effort on our work. No to asalkan boleh attitude. I don really like the terms LAYU in MeLAYU that gives the picture of Melayu. Melayu should not be LAYU, we must make a change so things wouldn’t be LAYU in the future and stop the dissing goin on by others.
End of PHASE 1
PHASE 2
Exams. A final one for me. I was really hoping that was my final sem and it is, syukur. The very first paper was AA and had one week gap until the next paper. I took this one week gap to the fullest, I went to JB to visit my darling bf(back then was a bf) and gave his sick sister the visit. Before I went, the thought of getting on the bus for 3 hours journey made I feel really lazy to go. With the love I had, the strong urgency of meeting up the love of my heart, aku gah kan jua menaiki bus.
Sampai sampai jer JB Khalid put me off.. He forgot the helmet. Duh !! He has the objective comin all the way from Pasir Gudang to Larkin (which is far) just to pick me up on the bike and he forgot the helmet. That really pissed me off and off he went to buy a new helmet. I know he hadn’t much money, I really pity him becos of his carelessness and that pity inside me came out of as anger. All the way to Pasir Gudang all I did see was his fault. I am sorry, I shouldn’t have yell at you over nothing, I missed you.
I stayed in JB for 4 days and 3 nites. During these days he never paid any attention to me. Nevermind, his sister needed more his attention than me as she was sick. It was sad because I was used to his tenderness, the loving he always gave me. Out of sudden, he just didn’t seem to care. I was frustrated but carried on reading my notes as in preparation of the comin exams while his nieces and nephew running amok and the upstairs neighbours went selfishly putting the full blast of volume of Malay rock kapak. How could I study in this condition? So I told Khalid, that I really need to get back one day earlier since I cant study. He replied I was kindda feel neglected, tats is why I wanted to go home early. He told me to stop play selfish and have to stay until Saturday. I agreed to stay but never to the selfish part.
Many things we have argued while I was there. We fought because there were stupid misunderstandings, miscommunications or mistuning of his and my tone. Aku really terasa when dia punya kakak told Khalid it was really unnecessary for me to fold my seluar up to my betis.. She said it is aurat. I agree. But, I went to kedai with u’re sister and she was wearing her short sleeve t-shirt. I am sure the aurat she meant include her siku to the pergelangan tangan. It was just the same rite. Furthermore, she was in the public but I folded the seluar when I was at their home. What about my rambut? I wore really tutup clothes when I am with them becos I respected them. Well, I have some kind of attitude that when pple corrected me he or she must look at her/his self first. If she is lot worse or just the same as me, I would have talk back. If she is better than me, I agreed and make a change.
I went back to Melaka on the agreed day. He called me at maghrib and that was the last phone call he ever gave me. Since then, he ignored my call, he didn’t reply any of the smses. Yes, we have fought, but he didn’t care whether I have exams or not, didn’t care whether I fail this important exam. Suddenly he just stop loving me.
After a week of exam. I went to JB again, with no sleep or no rest, I went on the bus and on another bus to Pasir Gudang and on a taxi. I was on the move for 4 hrs just to see him and talk to him and ask why he tormented me this way. I talked to him for 1 hour and in this 1 hour talk, I went to pulling my own hair drama and ask forgiveness drama. I asked or probably begged to his forgiveness. I loved him too much and I couldn’t do without him so I put aside my ego , knelt down on my knees and pull his hands to kiss, seeking for his forgiveness. He said he forgives me and it was such a relive.
I only met him for 2 hrs and had to go back to Melaka. So, 7 hrs in the bus plus 1 hr of talking plus 1 hr getting me back to Larkin, I can conclude for PHASE 2 is that.
1.I am selfish and childish
2.I don’t listen to others.
3.I am always rite and the others are wrong.
4.When I talk, I go meleweh, don talk straight to the point.
5.I never listen to him and always have to betah apa dia ckp.
6.I talk without thinking.
End of PHASE 2
Eh wait a menet.. Eh aku ni selfish ker, childish ker as in tak matang ker? Aku tak dengar pendapat orang ker? Aku pikir aku jer yang btol yg lelain sumer salah ker? Aku tak pernah dengar ckp dia ker dan betah apa dia ckp ker? Aku ckp tak guna otak ker? Eh.. Kalau macam tuh WHY THE HELL HE FELL IN LOVE WITH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?? Ntah.. I don have the answer. Aku ada tanya.. dia cuma ckp -Lin kata lin open minded, tapi sebenarnyer tak- then off he went again listing out how bad I am. He never really give me a chance to defend myself.
I have asked around whether his claims are true?
These are the response and I don lie.
1. I am selfish and childish
Pple said I am mature, I don act like a child. I never merengek nak itu ini like other girlfrens I see, I never asked him too much to do this and that. I said Ok if he couldn’t do this and that. I never asked for his money except for the phone bill. As I said I understand he never have much money. Everything needs money nowadays, do I care? No, I still loved him eventho he doesn’t have the money or education since I had hopes for him. I knew he can make it. I had the faith for him. Still I am selfish and childish.
2. I don’t listen to others.
I donno how he gets the idea. Many do not agree.
3. I am always rite and the others are wrong
Do i? I asked around. They said, I listen to others but I stand firmly on my
believed. Is not fair to say “Lin ajer sorang betol, org lain salah” Well, I am a girl
who have brain and my own thoughts. Aku bahas apa yang perlu dibahas tapi
pple said that I have so much firm in me. My firmness should be release a lil bit. I
take the idea as a membina idea. Jangan garang sangat lin..
4. When I talk, I go meleweh, don talk straight to the point.
Hehehe.. This is why u dumping me? Masa ko nak ngurat aku, bley plak aku meleweh.. Hhahahah Well as an educated person, I have to elaborate my points. Dlm peksa kalu ko kasik 1 direct answer, would the teacher would give u banyak markah. Na ah laa .. I don’t think so laa.. Hahhaah… Maybe if u pass your SPM, you would know laa kut… Meleweh kerana nak bagi pihak yg lagi satu paham apa aku katakan. Lame reason. I cannot accept that. My friends didn’t have any problem of my meleweh-ness pon..
5. I never listen to him and always have to betah apa dia ckp.
Pls refer to number 3.
6. I talk without thinking.
I think what he meant was, I talk based on my emotional. Of coz, I am a girl. Girl always do that when in the influenced of anger or sad emotions. I am just a plain human being. Mengikut org Islam, pompuan hanya ada 1 akal and the rest are nafsu. Sometimes even I am not under the influenced of my emotions, he would just have complained anyway.. It’s just that what ever I said is never up to his standard or level or way of his thinking. Whatever la ayg..
Well all the explanations I gave above don’t do any good. He said he forgive me but he continued not to pick up my calls or return my sms. Then it was time for me to loose it. I just couldn’t take anymore. How dare he treat me like fucking trash. I’ve done everything to save this r’ship but he just couldn’t be bothered.. Then now I started to send him abusive msges. I reckon that triggered him to call me. He started to accuse me those things I mentioned above all over again. Again I explained.. No it didn’t do any good. I asked him what is now? He said -Khalid pikir pasal perasaan lin kalau Khalid pergi- Eh fuck.. Bukan ko dah pergi dari aku? Tadek pon ko nak pikir pasal aku yg tgh peksa itu hari, tadek pon ko nak pikir pasal aku yg siang malam bazir air mata.. Oh please laa weihh… Then again I couldn’t say it out loud. I asked him.. -Ayang janji nak kawen ngan lin..- and I didn’t expect him to say.. -Eh, Khalid janji ker? Khalid ckap jer- I swallowed the air in my lungs. Probably what he said he loved me back then was just talk. He didn’t mean anything by it. And again.. being stupid I asked for another chance to correct my mistakes. I love him and the r’ship. He didn’t make remarks.
I called him after the last phone call again n again n again n again but he wouldn’t pick up the phone. I still had the hopes for the love and r’ship. I have sent sms stated that I wanted to talk about my future in JB as in term workin in JB and gonna call him at specific time. Nope, he just couldn’t be bothered. He didn’t answer the call. From tat moment on, I have knocked to my senses, he does not want to do anything with me anymore. I shuld have quit ages ago. So I quit.
If u read this Khalid, I know I never have been the best-est GF in the universe. I sometimes got mad over nothing. Maybe it was time for my PMS to take control over my brain. I am sorry. I should have control the PMS. Sometimes when ayg nasihatkan lin, lin just wouldn’t listen. Mungkin kerna approach Khalid tuh agak salah. Bila Khalid approach lin secara baik, lin dgr kan? I am sorry I cannot be a person that you wanted me to be. I am just lin. This is me.
The conclusion of PHASE 3 : I think I am okay as a person. It just that sometimes I need to control my anger, jangan cepat melenting. Take criticisms as a challenge. Sabar itu adalah sifat yang disenangi Allah s.w.t. I cannot be a perfect person to you Syed Khalid, mungkin ada lelaki out there would consider as I am next-to-perfect person. Probabily ada lelaki out there yg boleh appreciate lin. You have got punk again, Lin.. but chin up, dunia belum berakhir bila ko putuskan aku, masih banyak teman teman ku disini menemaniku, dunia belum berakhir bila ko putuskan aku, wajahku juga ngak jelik jelik amat, ada yang mahu.. kupikir kupikir, kupikir kupikir lebih baik aku menyingkir, kupikir kupikir, kupikir kupikir lelahhh… Yeahhaaa !!
End of PHASE 3
Duduk rumah doin nothing is not good, so aku tanya mak
Mak, tadek ker keje apa apa yg lin leh buat?
Pastuh mak kata ..
Ada, keje kat opis mak berlambak. Ko jadik secretary mak la.Ko type type apa yg patut pastuh ko remind mak la benda benda nak kene buat..Ok ker tak? Keje 7-4...
Aku pikir pikir balik, ok laa daripada ngangkang dpan TV.
Then aku tanya.. Baper Rm per day? Rm10 ker?
Eh murahnyer. Rm20 la jawab mak
Makan minum ditanggung oleh majikan. Kalau malas nak g keje, leh cuti tanpa alasan or MC, ok?..Aku berbunyik..
Ok..Kata mak sambil baca surat kabar, barangkali bosan nak melayan kerenah aku.
Mak aku HEM sekolah menengah. Dia bz ngan meeting sana sini, sometimes kene ganti the pengetua, sometimes chasing budak yg ponteng sekolah, meeting parents, kene gi rumah bebudak yg bermasalah, kene buat kempen itu ini.. kene mengajar lagi pastuh mak aku ni tak laa computer literate. So aku la tlg beban dia sket. Skarang aku baru tau SPECIFICALLY betapa susah jugak nak carik duit.
Memalam either aku ngalamun ingatkan kat Khalid. Atau marathon tgk TV selagi World Cup lom start. Ada juga aku miss call all the potential rebound and see who’s gonna call back. First attempt, nobody called back. 2nd attempt I got lucky, a Manipal student guy ( I used to scandal with him ages ago) called back asking wat the hell matter with me.. We chatted erm I mean we gedik on phone… These carries on every night for a week,till I’ve got bored. There was another guy called Fadzmel and it was on n off gedik. Then I smsed Reymold (the guy I met in Phase 1), then I go gedik plak with him until now. Reymold is a nice Sri Lankan fella who is just sweet.
The exam results were out. Aku bersyukur sangat sangat kepada Allah s.w.t kerana aku pass sumer papers. Alhamdulilah. Leh aku convo..
MMU reopened. How I wish I am back in Melaka.
During this phase, I have been offered to go 4 interviews. I rejected 3 interviews since 1 is in JB and 2 I just could not be bothered to have a try. I chose to go to marcusevans. I applied for the sales exec. post. The 1st interview which was on the phone. The interviewer which happened to be a guy (mid 30’s judging by his voice) asked many questions and even called myself “dear” when I answered him by text book answer and he laughed becos of my foolishness. He even asked me why I’ve got good English even tho I Live in PD. It just another way that is much nicer than -Eh ko ni budak kampong.. terer ckp omputih ni..- Then he asked to come in the office for the 2nd interview. The 2nd interview was a major success and the interviewer is Chinese girl. The 3rd interview was a disaster, I was interviewed by the sub-boss. She was a mean woman. She asked things I didn’t have a clue. The result was I failed..
I can conclude for Phase 4 is that working for money is a very a tough job. I shuld not have waste my parents money tat much. A lil bit wasting is ok.. Hehehehe.. I have made this kind of conclusion before, all guys have the sweetest mouth on earth when he is trying to woo a girl. Pijak bacteria pon, backteria still tak mati.. Aih.. Ish Ish..
Biasala, jantan.. who does not know that. Tapi Reymold is doin a good job. Letting forgetting my ex chap. As for the interview, it was a very good experience for me. Frankly, I didn’t want the job anyway.. I can learn from my mistakes for the future interviews.
End of PHASE 4
Aku kantoi rokokkk.. Huhuhuh.. Mati aku.. Tapi not that dead actually. Mystery nyer mak bapak aku just ignore the fact that he or she found the pack of Marlboro. God knows how he found out that I am smoker as well as the place I put my ciggies. Tapi mak abah being extra nice to me.. Oh god.. What is happening here. I nearly fainted when I couldn’t find my ciggies at usual place. Thanks to Fadzmel for being there for me and helped me to think straight. He said when abah confronts, don lie. Just admit. If he doesn’t.. just play cool n be triple extra nice to them. That’s now what I am doin now.
Weekend came.. huyeaa huyeaahh.. I went back to Melaka. Jumpa balik my frens in Melaka. And I promised Reymold to go to Pure with him. So off we went to Pure and we had a blast. Yeah yeah.. Reymold overnight at my place (erm I mean my ex place-sorry yer girls, aku bawak balik jantan) since I need male body to hold. We talked n talked for hours until either I slept first or he did. Yeah, I am comfy with him eventho I cannot express words in BM which could be much easier than English. I even taught some BM words as such “Bodo eyy” “Giler eyy” “Babi eyy” and he has the brain to remember. He taught me words of Singhala but when I learn new words I forgot the old ones. So its useless. Hurm one more thing to add, Reymold is such a brilliant, excellento snogger. Huhuhuhu
As for the conclusion of PHASE 5, I must take my life seriously and need to quit smoking once and for all. Jangan ada semangat hangat hangat taik ayam jer. Jangan sangat leka, kene alert. Kalu nak simpan barang barang, make sure u mapped in the brain where you put it and be certain this is the place I keep my private stuffs. Reymold and I can interact, he has no problem with the way I talk as in meleweh or whatsoever. We talked many subjects, we compared countries, languages, customs and religion too. I learn that non-Malaysian guys are sweet to be true. When I talk, he shuts up and when he talks, I crash in and he shuts up Ok lets see another 3 months or so.. Oh yeah, he’s good snogger. I bet he is good with other things too.. Ihiks..
End of PHASE 5